


Innocence is Overrated

by EzzyAlpha



Series: 100 Themes Challenge [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Absent Parents, Child Abuse, Developing Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Huge amounts of Lalonde pain, Hurt/Comfort, Physical Abuse, Sibling Incest, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 16:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyAlpha/pseuds/EzzyAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy is 13 and Rose is 11. Rose has a crush on a girl and is terrified because she's never kissed anyone. Roxy proposes she practices with her, but it ends up opening up stuff that shouldn't be messed with. With Roxy's feelings growing, their relationship is threatened.</p>
<p>[100 Themes Challenge: 90 - Innocence]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Innocence is Overrated

It’s late, late night, mom’s asleep, Dave must be too, but there’s no way of knowing because the boy’s room is across the hall, on the other side of the house, and Dirk is still awake, the TV can be heard, so it can’t be that late. The digital alarm clock is covered because Rose doesn’t like to look at it when she can’t fall asleep, because it reminds her she’s just going to be too tired in the morning. Rose hears the rustling of the sheets above and looks to the side just in time to see Roxy flip over, staring at her upside down with owlish, sleepless eyes.

“You awake?”

Rose nods and Roxy skillfully maneuvers her way onto the bottom bunk, falling down next to Rose. Rose is tired but not tired enough to fall asleep and she watches Roxy curiously. Roxy smiles and Rose can’t help but smile back.

“Can’t sleep?” asks Roxy and Rose shakes her head. Rose is eleven and Roxy is thirteen but she’s in high school because she skipped a year, she’s in the same Computer Sciences class as Dirk, who’s 15 and a sophomore. It drives him insane. He could’ve skipped a year too, but he didn’t want to because of his best friend, who’s also friends with Roxy and is John’s cousin and Jade’s brother. Rose has met him but never actually talked to him, regardless, she knows both Roxy and Dirk had a massive crush on him last year and everything was kind of awful for a while until Roxy backed down.

Rose’s teacher told her she could skip a year too if she behaved and stopped sassing the teachers, but Rose doesn’t care, because she doesn’t want to stop being in the same grade as her twin or their best friends.

Rose once asked Roxy why she wanted to skip a year, because now she’s not even in the same school as Jane. Roxy shrugged and said she just wanted to get school done with as fast as possible but there was something weird about it.

Rose realizes Roxy asked a question but she wasn’t paying attention.

“Huh?”

“I asked you if you liked anyone, you dork.”

Rose blushes bright red, spreading to her ears, and it’s obvious even in the dark.

“No...”

“Yes you do, look at you.”

Rose huffs and pouts and rolls over, holding onto her old Squiddle plush, that’s missing an eye and has patches of lighter violet or pink where it got holes and had to be fixed. Roxy fixed a lot of them after their mother deemed Rose too old for plush toys.

Roxy grins and pokes her sides, and that quickly grows into full on tickling. Rose is trying to keep her giggles in as much as possible but ends up breaking down. Roxy eventually stops but doesn’t bother pulling back her arms, ends up loosely holding Rose.

“Is it John?” Roxy asks, scooting closer to Rose. Rose rolls over to stare at Roxy, sticking her tongue out.

“Ew, no. John’s gross.”

They’re pretty much cuddling right now. Rose closes her eyes for a second because she’s getting sleepy.

“How about that guy in your lab group.”

Rose’s expression is of complete disbelief.

“Eridan? No, he’s a prick.”

They giggle in the way only preteens saying dirty words can giggle.

“How about the shouty one.”

Rose’s face softens.

“Karkat? He’s not terrible but no.”

Roxy is pouting slightly now. She narrows her eyes, inspecting Rose.

“You can tell me, you know you can trust me. I’m your big sister.”

Rose looks away.

“Promise you won’t tell?”

Roxy nods and shifts to grab Rose’s hand.

“I promise.”

Rose takes in a deep breath. She’s scared but Roxy makes her feel safe, she always has.

“I like Jade.”

Roxy’s expression shifts slightly but Rose isn’t sure what it means. Panic flares up inside and she’s about ready to run out of bed when Roxy smiles.

“I knew it.”

Rose frowns even though she’s incredibly happy inside, so she just frowns because she doesn’t want Roxy to notice.

“You did not.”

Roxy grins.

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

Rose quirks a brow, looking her over, confused.

“What do you mean?”

Roxy rolls her eyes.

“You should kiss her or something.”

Rose bites her lip and rolls to her back, away from Roxy. She looks up at the bottom of the top bunk, looking over her own scribbles and pictures. Roxy moves closer to her, hugging her tightly and Rose squirms. Her sister is impossibly warm but it’s not uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?” Roxy asks, resting her head against Rose’s.

“She would freak out...And I’ve never kissed anyone before, it would go horribly.”

Roxy is quiet, looking at Rose, who turns her head to look back at her.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

It’s Roxy’s turn to blush, not as obviously as Rose but still pretty awful. Rose giggles.

“Maybe, what do you care.”

Rose rolls her eyes and pouts at Roxy.

“I told you.”

“You’re going to judge me!”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“What, are you nine again.”

Roxy pouts and lets go of Rose, tucking her arms under her head. Rose misses her heat but doesn’t say anything. Roxy is looking at her weird.

“What is it?” asks Rose, concerned over how Roxy is acting. Roxy looks away.

“You always judge me.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“Yeah, you’ve promised that before.”

Rose suddenly feels like throwing up and moves closer to Roxy. She really wishes Roxy would open up with her, now that she’s older and wiser and not as prone to being judgemental.

Rose realizes she’s staring and looks away, sighing quietly.

“Jane.”

Rose’s eyebrows shoot up and she looks over at Roxy. She does her best to maintain a neutral expression but the surprise is evident. Roxy stares back at her, quietly. A long moment passes.

“Jane?”

“Jane.”

“Oh.”

“You’re not judging me.”

“No. Not really. I’m just surprised.”

They stare at each other for a long while.

“Is that why you weren’t speaking for a while.”

“Maybe.”

Rose moves closer to Roxy and she lets her, shifting her arms to hold her again.

“I’m sorry, Roxy.”

“Are you worried about kissing Jade?”

Once again their eyes are locked.

“I don’t know if she likes me back. Probably not. And...What if I’m just terrible at it?”

Roxy hums thoughtfully.

“Maybe you should practice then?”

Rose lowers her eyebrows, sighing.

“You’re not funny.”

“I’m not kidding.”

“And who exactly would I be practicing with?”

Rose thinks she sees Roxy blush but it’s too dark to notice.

“With me.”

There’s another long pause. It’s not exactly uncomfortable, but it’s tense, like opening a door and walking in on something you shouldn’t be seeing but not wanting to look away.

“You’re my sister.”

“Exactly. It won’t mean anything.”

Somehow, it doesn’t feel like that. Rose thinks it feels like it would mean everything. Nevertheless, she’s curious and she shifts slightly, closer to Roxy.

“Right now?” Rose mutters and this time, Roxy is definitely blushing.

“If you want to.”

There’s another pause before Rose moves forward, softly pressing her lips to Roxy’s. Roxy freezes before kissing back. It’s chaste and innocent and it doesn’t move beyond lip contact but both of them are blushing brightly once they pull back, staring unsurely at each other.

“That wasn’t so bad.” says Rose, moving closer to Roxy and closing her eyes. She’s starting to get sleepy from the warmth. Roxy holds her quietly.

“Yeah. Not bad at all.”

-

The morning sky is white outside. Roxy’s arm hangs limply by the couch, homework long forgotten on the coffee table. She’s not asleep but she’s not awake either, staring at the window. Her mind is elsewhere, far, far away in flower covered meadows. She thinks of things she’s not supposed to do and she’s not sure why. The kitchen door slams shut and she sits up startled, looking back at the door.

“I’m home.”

Roxy sighs and gets up, walking to the kitchen quietly. She leans against the doorway, looking over Dirk as he rummages in the fridge. He comes out with enough food to feed a small army and quirks an eyebrow over his stupid shades.

“What?”

“You’re going to get fat.”

He has no reaction, simply dumping leftover pizza and whatever else is in those tupperwares on the kitchen table. Roxy takes a seat and steals the biggest pizza slice, stuffing it into her mouth quickly. It’s chewy and freezing.

“What’s up with you?”

Roxy looks up. Dirk has pushed his shades to his forehead and is staring at her, not concerned but not exactly uncaring either.

“Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been spacing out all day.”

Roxy shrugs and steals another slice of pizza. Dirk doesn't say anything. They get up at the same time to get beverages. Roxy is younger but she’s already taller than Dirk. She likes teasing him about it, but she doesn’t even say anything when he has to get on his toes to get a bottle of orange soda from atop the fridge. She sits down at the table with her strawberry milk, punching the straw into the carton quietly. Dirk doesn’t say anything.

The kitchen door slams open, and in comes Dave, screaming, his also very stupid shades nowhere near his face.

“Rose has a crush!” he repeats, long enough that the words stop having any meaning and devolve into random, persistent phonemes, ringing in his siblings ears as he runs into the living room.

Roxy feels weird, in a painful sort of way, deep into her chest, and her eyebrows twitch. Dirk doesn’t say anything.

It takes awhile for Rose to show up, face flushed and panting hard, verging on tears, Dave’s glasses in her hand. She obviously tried to run after Dave, but athletics were never her forte. The painful feeling in Roxy’s chest turns into full blown anger and she gets up, slamming the carton on the table, milk sprinkling out. She walks into the living room, where Dave is laughing on the couch, and moves over to grasp his shirt and pick him up. He squeaks.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he squeals, voice wavering when he swears because he’s eleven and it’s still a thrill.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Roxy screams in his face, hands fisting his shirt, and Dave’s eyes go wide, lower lip trembled.

“Roxy, that’s enough.”

At Dirk’s voice, she drops Dave on the couch and storms away. Rose stands back quietly, until she drops Dave’s shades on his lap and walks after Roxy. She finds her in their room, sitting in the back of the closet, hugging herself, face hidden, and Rose drops down next to her, not speaking a word.

They sit silently for a long time, until Roxy looks up at Rose. Rose is watching her with tired eyes, because she can’t sleep at night and no one bothers to find out why.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“He’s always antagonizing you and I’m just, so fucking done with it. Mom doesn’t say anything, Dirk doesn’t say anything and...”

Roxy goes quiet and rubs her face.

“He’s a pain in the ass, but I’ll live.” Rose is picking at the carpet and she leans against Roxy, who sighs and throws one arm over her shoulders.

“Dirk was never that terrible.”

“Dirk isn’t your twin, though.”

“That just makes it worse. Isn’t there, I don’t know, twin sympathy. Empathy.”

Rose looks up at her, amused, and Roxy shrugs, before shifting to hug her tightly.

“You deserve a better family, you know.”

Rose giggles.

“No. Then I wouldn’t have you.”

There’s a deep sinking feeling in Roxy’s stomach, like when you’re drifting into sleep and you’re suddenly falling.

-

It’s 3 am again and they’re kissing again. Rose is soft and clumsy, pressing more to Roxy’s cheeks than her lips. Roxy lets her, rather than directing her to more proper technique. It defeats the purpose of the practice but Roxy isn’t sure she’s doing this for practice anymore. Rose leans back, parting from Roxy, who is left staring at her younger sister.

“Dave will tell Jade.”

Something nags in the back of Roxy’s head, a spark of fury and a desire to keep Rose for herself, never sharing. Nevertheless, Roxy does her best to appear condolent, reaches out to touch Rose’s arm.

“I’m sure he won’t.” that’s a lie, but Roxy is unsure of what else she can say. She figures threatening to beat the shit out of him if he does wouldn’t be too comforting.

Rose blinks, weariness taking its toll on her, and she reaches out to curl her fingers around Roxy’s. Roxy squeezes back, trying to be reassuring. She reaches forward to kiss her but tilts up at the last moment, pressing her lips against Rose’s forehead.

-

“She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“She says we should keep being friends.”

“That means she wants to be your friend, idiot.”

“No, it just means she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

“Because she likes you.”

“Yeah, well she doesn’t like me enough.”

There’s a prolonged silence, but Roxy doesn’t stop rubbing Rose’s back, trying to comfort her as much as possible. It’s mid November and it’s freezing, so they’re huddled together in the living room, a couple of blankets draped over them. Roxy made hot chocolate and Rose sips it, just a little at a time, trying to make it last. Roxy’s cup is tainted with scotch stolen from their mother’s secret stash, but she doesn’t tell that to Rose.

“I don’t think anyone will ever love me.”

There’s another pause. Roxy looks over Rose, eyebrows raised and mouth open. She blinks a few times, trying to read Rose’s face but it’s completely neutral. Roxy thinks briefly that she’s never seen her like this.

Roxy must have a thousand things she could say to her, but she’s slightly inebriated and her throat is dry and it feels like there’s something stuck in there, so she tilts Rose’s head up and kisses her. Rose’s eyes go wide, but she doesn’t move away nor does she kiss her back. Roxy leans back, looking over Rose’s face for a sign, anything. Is she upset? Did that make her feel better?

The front door unlocks, their mother is home, and Roxy feels chills down her spine, like all the warmth has been removed from her body. Rose shivers and hides her face on Roxy’s chest, clutching at her shirt. Once again, Roxy feels anger flaring up inside her, a deep seated desire to protect Rose above all.

-

It’s the first week of school after christmas break. Rose is twelve, Roxy is fourteen.

Rose has been rambling about Jade for almost 20 minutes. Roxy doesn’t even pay attention anymore. This godforsaken family has some pathological need to speak for half an hour whenever something is bothering them, or, just because they have nothing better to do. Rose’s just use a more extensive vocabulary.

“Roxy?”

Roxy looks back, head hitting Rose’s. They’re sitting back to back in the small space behind the cafeteria where no one ever goes.

“Yeah?”

“You’re not listening to me.”

Roxy shifts in place, letting her arms fall off her knees. Her hand hits Rose’s and Roxy freezes for a split second. Rose doesn’t seem to notice.

“Rosey, I’ve been listening to you ramble about Jade for around a month. There’s not much left to say.”

There’s a moment of silence, but it’s tense, nothing like their usual pauses. Roxy thinks she might’ve said something wrong.

“You think it’s ridiculous, don’t you?”

“Rose.”

“You think I’m being stupid, for still hurting over this.”

“Rose, I-”

Rose leaves before Roxy can finish her sentence.

-

Rose curls up next to Roxy, back to her, neither of them asleep. Roxy stares at the bottom of the top bunk, occasionally flicking over to watch Rose. She knows she’s not sleeping.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Rose-”

“Why does my feelings for Jade bother you so?”

Roxy turns her head to gawk at her. Rose is still turned away, staring straight ahead at the wall.

“She hurt you.”

“I don’t think you were okay with it even before that.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“That you’re jealous.”

Roxy gets up and goes back to her bunk. Rose wonders if Roxy had meant everything she had said to her before.

-

 

Roxy chews loudly, mouth open, changing channels with one hand and shoving Cheetos into her mouth with the other. It’s vaguely disgusting and Dirk makes sure to comment on it as he walks past, from the kitchen to the hallway. He stops on his tracks and pops his head back into the living room.

“Where’s Rose?”

Roxy hesitates before making a dismissive noise. Dirk’s face is neutral as he walks back to the couch, arms crossing in front of his chest, a single thick eyebrow raising above his shades.

“You always know where she is.”

Roxy doesn’t respond, continuing to zap around, nothing really interesting her.

“Roxy.”

“She’s old enough to take care of herself. Dirk.” his name is punctuated with anger.

It’s been a few months since they fought and as much as Roxy would like to keep it under wraps so the rest of the family wouldn’t prod into it, it’s simply not feasible. Roxy doesn’t try to speak to her. Rose makes small talk whenever around the others and Roxy responds, short, emotionless. She’s not sure why. She doesn’t know why the idea of being jealous of her sister’s crushes makes her stomach do flips; after all, it is a preposterous idea. They are sisters and nothing else.

“You’re starting to sound like mom. You’re treating her like mom does, too.”

When Roxy throws the remote, it shatters against the wall, instead of Dirk’s stupid face. She swears under her breath and gets up to pick up the pieces. In an hour, she’s managed to fix it, although it looks a bit worse for wear, hairline fractures across the shiny black plastic, like scars.

She hears the sound of the telephone ringing, and Dirk’s deepening voice.

“Hello? No, she’s not home. No, she’s at work, I can’t...This is her older brother.”

Roxy freezes, looking down at the remote in her hand, some telenovela running in the background. She’s not listening, even as Ignacio shatters a bottle on the floor, yelling at Maria. Instead, her attention is focused on the hallway where the telephone is, trying to understand the mumbling she can vaguely hear. It’s worthless of course, but soon enough Dirk’s voice resounds through the house.

“She did what?!”

Roxy is on her feet in less than a second, running to Dirk and looking over his shoulder, trying to understand what’s going on. Dirk swats at her, eyebrows drawn together. He pushed his shades up to his forehead, probably to rub at his face.

“No, we can’t pull my mother out of work for this. I’ll go get her. Yes, I know, I’ll-Make sure my mother hears about it.”

His voice wavers. Roxy can’t blame him. He puts down the phone and looks up at Roxy, concern in his eyes.

“What did she do?” mutters Roxy, voice heavy with worry. She’s in no mood for making pretenses and hiding behind passive-aggressiveness. Her eyebrows lower as she sees Dirk fidget.

“Rose got into a fight.”

There’s a deep sting in Roxy’s heart and she walks out of the house before Dirk can say anything. He has no choice but to follow her.

-

Rose (and Dave)’s school is broken down and small, nothing like the older kid’s high school. Of course, it’s the nearest to their house, close enough to walk to; it’s convenient and convenience is the most important thing when your mother works 9 to 9.

Rose is sitting on the right side of the bench in the room that leads to the principals office. She’s bruised and bloodied and Roxy wants to storm in there and ask why the fuck didn’t they at least fix her sister up but she barely holds herself. On the other side of the bench, a tall, scrawny, bruised girl sits, mane of hair tousled. Roxy thinks she might be missing some locks.

Roxy runs to Rose, who curls into herself, trying to look anywhere but Roxy, as Dirk goes to speak to the secretary. Roxy does her best to look disappointed, but Rose is bleeding and bruised and hurt, and upset enough that she got into a fight.

“I’m very disappointed in you.” Roxy says but the words are void of meaning. Rose holds back a sob and looks up at Roxy, relaxing slightly. Roxy sweeps in to hug her, even if it will get blood on her shirt.

“She refused to let the nurse check her out.” the voice of the secretary is disapproving and Roxy looks back to see her eyeing Dirk top to bottom. Roxy looks back at Rose, tilting her head to the side. Rose looks downwards again, tears building up. Roxy wants nothing more than to tilt her head up and kiss her, but they’re in public and they’re supposed to be mad at each other.

Dirk looks back at them, but he’s not looking at them, he’s scanning the scrawny kid. Roxy’s eyes dart up to bore holes into the kid, who visibly scoots away, trying to go as far away from her as possible.

“What about her mother?”

“We called. Several times. Didn’t answer.”

The pit of fiery rage inside Roxy diminishes to an ember and Roxy almost feels sorry for the girl. Then again, Rose is bleeding because of her. Roxy looks down just in time to see one tear roll down her baby sister’s cheek. The ember is poked and flares up a little.

“What exactly happened here?”

“We don’t know. Neither of them are cooperating.”

Roxy looks at Rose, but she shakes her head.

“Tell you later.” she whispers. Roxy hugs her again.

They spend the next hour in the principals office and come home with something for their mother to sign. As soon as they walk through the door, Dirk gets a pen and signs their mother’s name with a flourish. Roxy is holding Rose’s hand; she grasped it as soon as they walked out of school. She leads her to the downstairs bathroom, small and messy with a long counter, and picks her up, helping her sit on it.

Pressing her fingers against Rose’s cheek, Roxy tilts her head up to look her in the eyes. She wants to kiss her, but doesn’t, especially since her nose is bleeding again, dribbling down her lips. Rose seems to remember she’s mad at Roxy and looks away. Roxy sighs and turns to get the first aid box, tucked away in a corner cabinet. She returns her attention to Rose, dampening a piece of cloth to wash her face. When Roxy tries to do so, Rose scoots away. She continues to scoot away everytime Roxy approaches her, until she reaches the end of the counter and almost falls off. Roxy grasps her arm, making sure she doesn’t end up on the floor, and begins wiping at her face.

Rose flinches and winces, obviously still in pain. She doesn’t look that good. Under all the blood, there’s just more bruising.

“Are you going to tell me what this was about, after all?”

“Vriska Serket is an insufferable bitch of the highest degree.”

“And?”

Rose’s head tries to drop, but it’s currently being held by Roxy.

“And she’s my friend’s best friend, despite treating her horribly.”

Roxy tilts her head to the side, trying to inspect Rose’s expression, pick up on the minuscule things that betray her. She looks upset above all, miserable, mottled purple and black across her nose and lips, running down to her jaw on the left. Goddammit, did that girl do a number on her. What the fuck are you supposed to do with bruises anyway? Ice?

“Dirk!” bellows out Roxy, into the open door “Bring me ice!”

Shit, what the fuck will you tell your mother?

She returns her gaze to Rose. She wants to kiss her and hug her, whisper comforting words in her ear as she holds her tightly, under the blankets in Rose’s bed, their bed, far away from anyone who can hurt her.

Instead, she kisses her forehead lightly, and Rose leans away. Roxy sighs out loudly.

“Is it really worth this, Rose?”

Rose looks up curiously, pale violet eyes still teary.

“Look, I don’t know about this friend because apparently I don’t know you anymore, but you got into a fight, got yourself fucked up and we had to bail you out. This will go on your permanent record. Mom could’ve found out, probably will still find out and our asses are going to be on the table, because we bailed you out. Is it really worth it, Rose.”

Rose takes in a deep breath, wincing at the pain that flares across her face.

“Yes.”

Roxy grabs her hand and helps her off the counter.

“I’m teaching you how to box.”

Rose’s eyes go wide and she looks up at Roxy, aghast and slightly confused. Roxy shrugs.

“I’m kinda rusty but I’ve never lost a schoolyard fight- Yes, don’t look at me like that, I just didn’t get fucking caught. I can teach you and you can defend yourself.”

She pauses.

“And your friend.”

Their hands are still clasped and Roxy shrugs.

“I mean, you could strife with the boys but that’s not very practical in a real fight.”

She huffs and looks down to see Rose grinning, the most expression she’s had in months. Roxy can’t help but smile back.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes. You can teach me.”

Rose grasps the front of Roxy’s shirt and pulls her in for a kiss, quick and gentle. Roxy honestly feels like fireworks are setting off inside her. She has to remind herself this is her sister, this is innocent, it means nothing. Rose walks out of the bathroom, happier than she’s seen her in months, and Roxy doesn’t know how to feel.

-

“Get up.”

“No.”

“Get up, Rose.”

“Nooo.”

“Rose, I swear to fucking god, if you don’t get up right now-”

Rose rolls to her back and sits up, glaring at Roxy.

“You didn’t tell me this would be so hard.”

Roxy throws her hands up in the air in defeat. One of her wraps is unraveling and she quickly fixes it. It gives her an excuse to look away from Rose. Roxy is vaguely angry and she’s not sure why.

“Of course it’s hard, sports are hard, that’s just how it is. If you want to get better it has to be hard, you have to hurt before you get better.”

She’s not sure if she’s mad at Rose, or mad that Rose simply doesn’t seem to be improving, or mad at everything and taking it out on Rose. The sun is hot on her skin and Roxy has chosen to take off her shirt, standing in their backyard in a sports bra and shorts. Thankfully, Rose is far more clothed, because she’s started to fill out in places and it bothers Roxy in a weird way.

They’re sparring on the cement floor of the patio and Rose has some scrapes from going down. They only have one pair of gloves and Roxy has given them to Rose, to insure she won’t hurt her hands. Considering how hard she’s hitting, Roxy is starting to think it was completely useless.

It’s the midst of summer, mid-July, birds flying overhead in flocks, sun scorchingly hot and dry.

“Are you going to fucking give up?” hisses Roxy, tired of standing in the sun trying to teach someone who simply won’t learn. Rose shrugs. Roxy shakes her head and walks inside, opens the fridge and basks in the cold.

“I think I’m going to ask her out.”

The top of Roxy’s head collides with the inside of the fridge and she curses loudly before removing her head and straightening up, looking over Rose.

“Who?”

“Kanaya.”

A protest dies in Roxy’s throat and she reaches inside the fridge, taking out a grape soda she hands Rose, before removing a pizza box and digging in, not even bothering to sit down.

“That’s gross as fuck.” mutters Rose but she stands on her toes to take a slice out anyway.

“Language.”

“As if you care.”

They eat silently, but Roxy’s head is a mess.

“I haven’t met Kanaya. What happened to Jade.”

“We’re friends.”

“I see.”

Roxy has suddenly lost her appetite and she doesn't understand why, but she knows she doesn’t want Rose to ask out whatsherface.

“And when do I get to meet...You know.”

Rose quirks a brow and looks over Roxy.

“I literally just said her name.”

“Shut up.”

Rose shrugs and continues to eat.

“You didn’t give me an answer.”

“You told me to shut up.”

For how much she loves Rose, Roxy could strangle her right now. She gets up, dumps the empty pizza box in the trash, and storms to their room. She considers locking the door but just climbs up to her bed, curling under her favorite blanket.

She doesn’t know why she’s so pissed off.

The bed creaks and moans. Roxy could swear the sinking feeling besides her is a whirlpool, pulling her in, drowning her, but soon, Rose’s arms are around her waist and Roxy is sighing out, all the tension in her body releasing.

“Why are you so upset over this?”

“I’m not.” Roxy whispers into her pillow. She knows she’s lying.

“Roxy?”

“I don’t know.”

“...God fucking dammit, Roxy.”

When her arms slink away, it’s like Roxy has frozen. She doesn’t move, she doesn’t breathe, she doesn’t think until she hears the door open and close. Then, she cries.

-

Roxy packs Rose’s lunch and shoves two packets of candy in there. Rose gives them both to Dave. He eats both plus the one he got, and ends up puking.

Roxy offers to braid Rose’s hair one night, because it’s just long enough. Rose refuses and cuts her own hair in the school bathroom during lunchtime. It sticks up everywhere, she looks like an albino hedgehog.

Every single thing Roxy does to try and make Rose happy fails. At one point, Roxy is pretty sure she does it just to spite Rose.

The thought scares her.

One night, Rose snaps when Roxy offers to sew up the newest hole in that stupid plush octopus. When Rose breaks down, she breaks down ugly, the makeup she has just started to wear, a perfect copy of her sister’s regular, smearing and dripping down her cheeks, grey on white, accusing pale violet framed by black angles. She likes to think she looks badass at least, but she’s anything but as she wipes away the snot dribbling down her face, smudging her lipstick across her cheek. She’s a child throwing a tantrum.

“Do you even do anything genuine anymore?” she screams but it’s more like a whimper. Roxy looks at her, bewildered, the sudden explosion completely unexpected.

But Roxy is no adult. She grits her teeth, tears beading up in her eyes and screams back.

“Everything I do is genuine, you’re just too fucking ungrateful to care.”

Anger flares up in Rose’s eyes and she moves forward, almost lunging at Roxy, who crosses her arms over her chest.

“What the fuck are you even going to try, we both know you can’t lay a finger on me.” the sentence is accompanied by a growing smirk across Roxy’s face. She isn’t sure where that’s coming from, when did it start to feel good to spite her. Rose hesitates, expression faltering. Outside, leaves rustle in the wind, in little swirls, small suburban cyclones. She takes a step back, almost tripping over her schoolbag which she carelessly tossed to the floor.

“I hate you.”

Roxy doesn’t budge, only the small crease of her brow showing she heard her.

“No. You don’t.”

Rose bares her teeth, almost growling at Roxy.

“What the fuck is it about my love life that makes you act like such a brat?”

This time, Roxy is taken aback. Her eyes widen, jaw slack, arms almost falling limply. She half reaches for Rose, before hugging herself and looking away. Rose hesitates before holding her head up imperiously, a look unsuited to her young face.

“You’re my little sister.” whispers Roxy, gaze dropping to the floor.  
“Yes.” says Rose, voice without a single tremble “Your sister.”

Silence extends between there, only disturbed by Roxy’s occasional sobs.

“If you really loved me,” Rose whispers, looking away, as far away as she can just so she won’t have to see Roxy, because she knows her heart is going to shatter, maybe not consciously, but she knows “then you would leave me alone.”

-

Birthdays pass. Holidays pass. It’s still too cold and thirteen year old Rose wears a scarf that’s far too big on her, a hand-me-down from her sister.

She is alone with Kanaya, idly swaying on the rusty swings that creaked with age. Kanaya is rambling again but Rose’s mind is far away.

She thinks she loves Kanaya, but she’s not sure. There’s a lot of great things about Kanaya; their relationship is quiet and easy, they have a lot of interests in common that let them talk for hours, there’s no conflict to speak off.

But Kanaya doesn’t understand sometimes. She doesn’t understand why Rose doesn’t want to go home on her mother’s days off, or why Rose doesn’t like talking about her sister. Kanaya gets along well with Dave, he even insists on showing her his new raps. When Rose and Dave fight, Kanaya doesn’t take sides.

Rose misses Roxy. She’s not oblivious enough to not notice that, and she thinks Roxy might miss her as well. She starts to wonder if she was wrong all along. However, Rose doesn’t know why she misses her so much. Why it reaches deep into her chest, cracking her ribs open, blood eagle execution of the emotional variety.

Something sort of clicks and her knuckles go white, fingers curling around the chains of the swing with enough strength to hurt herself.

Rose looks at Kanaya, so innocent and happy, and shit, sweet, perfect Kanaya and...

“K-Kanaya?”

Kanaya looks back at her, jade colored eyes shining brightly, and she’s smiling softly but it falters when she sees the look on Rose’s face.

“We should...I think we should br-”

The sentences catches in her throat as Kanaya’s eyes go wide and she clamps down, even biting her tongue.

“We should go home. It’s cold.”

-

Losing someone you love is worse than broken bones, and Roxy knows that. She fiddles with the sling around her neck. Her heart weighs more than the cast. Bones heal. She has pain meds. And it was her fault anyway.

She’s not sure if anything between her and Rose was ever her fault. Maybe some, maybe all, maybe none, but she can’t be sure because there are two people in this relationship and Rose can be as bad as Roxy, maybe even worse.

It’s hot, too hot for March going on April, and Roxy blinks up at the sun, weary and beaten down. Sometimes she doesn’t even know why she keeps trying. The old spot behind the cafeteria where she used to hide with Rose is as deserted as ever.

“Hey.”

Roxy doesn’t process it at first. She thinks it might be someone talking to someone else. Anything but something that pertains to her.

“Hey. Roxy.”

There is finally something familiar in that voice, something that brings her back to her senses, something nagging in the back of her mind, like a hook, searing white hot in the emotional part of her brain. She turns back, and she thinks Rose might be an hallucination at first, so she gets up and tentatively reaches for her. Rose reaches back, grasping her hand, and Roxy isn’t sure of what to do.

Rose is dressed in a two sizes too big purple hoodie over an orange shirt, and jeans. Her hair has grown out nicely, no longer a spiked mess, but it’s still tousled. Roxy briefly remembers she used to brush it, long ago.

She can’t actually remember the last time she had a proper conversation with Rose. Roxy had spent as much time away from home as possible, to the...Displeasure of their mother, making it so bedtime was pretty much the only time they saw each other. They lied awake until 3 am, knowing of each other’s presence but not bothering to speak.

Roxy counts the days which turn to weeks which turn to months and she’s choking up, wishing she had never been upset at all, even if she knows it wasn’t, couldn’t be entirely her fault.

“I broke up with Kanaya.”

The words fall flat on Roxy’s ear, devoid of meaning.

“What? Why?”

“You know...For all my certainty in almost everything, I’m not sure right now.”

A comfortable lull in conversation presents itself. Roxy takes this as an opportunity to inspect Rose.

Her voice is lower, that’s the first thing she noticed, to the point of barely recognizing her when she spoke before. It’s not that she hadn’t heard her these past few months, it just...flew right over her head. It’s not a deep low, it’s just not that childish anymore, and smoother, sounding almost wise if Roxy didn’t know better. Roxy thinks it might go lower still, after all she’s just thirteen, and it’s hard to not smile at the thought of that. It’s good on her, fits her, especially now. Her face is thinner and she has grown, even if she only reaches Roxy’s collarbones, but Roxy is kind of ridiculously tall anyway. Hell, Rose is probably almost 5’ feet tall now, that’s...Something. Maybe she can still overtake Dirk like Dave already has. That would be great. She’s...She’s more shapely, Roxy supposes, and she feels her face heating up.

Roxy blinks because she knows all of this couldn’t happen in a few months, it’s been happening for years but she was clinging too hard to the image of her little sister to notice. She almost cries out of pride.

Their hands are still grasped together.

“Besides,” says Rose at last. It couldn’t have been more than a minute but it felt like forever and a day “I’ve come to realize there’s someone else I like more. Or liked. Or can like again. There is a distinct possibility that it will never happen, that I’m fabricating evidence in my mind, that is simply not there. That perhaps, above all, I am fooling myself.”

“Jade?”

Roxy’s voice is full of curiosity and innocence, and Rose can’t help but grin. It softly fades into a smirk.

“No.”

She looks down at their clasped hands.

“I didn’t understand why it made me so upset either, when we fought. Nor why I felt so lonely when we drifted apart, considering I was the main instigator.”

Something begins to turns in Roxy’s head, gears grinding together, sparks sending searing jolts across her brain.

“I think it might’ve been hard to believe, of course, being an unusual case and...My own, insecurities, I suppose.” there’s only a slight waver to her voice, pride swells up inside Roxy even as her mind is a jumbled mess, is Rose’s thumb stroking the back of her hand, shit, it is “ I have to say, and I know this is unlike me, but I’m...Very sorry, for everything. I was...Kind of a little bitch and a terrible sister.”

Roxy is still confused but she manages to stammer out a rushed apology and words of comfort, unsure of what is even leaving her mouth. Rose’s eyebrows raise, she tilts her head then looks downwards, another hand now on top of Roxy’s, her feet shift around.

She tilts her head up, stretches her back, stands on her tiptoes and kisses Roxy’s chin. Silence is heard as they process what just happened. Rose lets go of Roxy’s hand, one arm wrapping around herself, the other covering her face.

Roxy lets a little “ooh” escape her mouth before she hugs Rose tightly, nose buried in her soft, pale hair. Rose squeaks a little. Pulling back, Roxy looks her over before kissing her, noses bumping together from lack of practice, and Rose can’t help but smirk knowing she’s bested her sister at least once, but then she feels upset about it and presses her lips to hers tenderly, slowly, placing each kiss with measured certainty, before moving around her cheeks and, finally, the tip of her nose. Their eyes open and they look at each other for a second, before Rose’s hands intertwine behind Roxy’s head and she pulls her down to kiss her forehead.

-

“You know this doesn’t fix everything, right? If anything, it just makes more problems.”

Rose nuzzles Roxy’s neck, breathing out shakily, eyes fluttering open.

“I’m not an idiot, Roxy. You, of all people, should know that. I know we will have to keep this secret and that our future remains uncertain, that it’s certainly not going to improve anything with our mother, or even our brothers.”

Roxy’s good arm is firmly wrapped around Rose’s waist, pulling her closer than she has been in months. The contact is electrifying and Roxy thinks she won’t sleep anytime soon, but then again, when does she? She waits for the but.

“But,” Roxy smiles into Rose’s hair. It is incredibly satisfying to know she still knows her sister so well “I love you. Most definitely in the sisterly way and perhaps in the romantic one.”

“Yeah?”

“For once I...Admit I am confused. I didn’t see my previous relationship ending at all and certainly not by my hand, however...”

She trails off when she notices how tense Roxy is, and moves to rub comforting circles on her back.

“I’m not going anywhere, Roxy. Not anymore...And I would appreciate it if you did the same.”

Roxy nods.

“No running away.”

They hold each other close, before Roxy stirs to kiss Rose, who tries to remain severe but ends up giggling.

“That’s like the sixtieth time today.”

“Are you counting?”

“Maybe.”

They giggle together. Rose curls onto Roxy, the sudden closeness between them alien and vaguely frightening. It’s different than it was a year, no, a year and a half ago. Rose briefly muses on whether Roxy felt like this when she was her age. Roxy’s arm is warm against her, only separated by the thin cotton of her t-shirt, which Rose considers removing but the thought alone causes her to blush all over, spreading to her ears. Roxy notices and hums inquisitively, pressing light kisses to the top of Rose’s hair.

“You’re old.” mutters Rose, hands clinging to Roxy’s tank top. Roxy scoffs, hugging her tightly as the best punishment she can manage. Rose whines and looks up at Roxy.

“I can totally say I’m dating a high schooler now. A sophomore even.”

“Don’t.” Roxy says and punctuates it with another tight squeeze.

Rose moves to kiss her and this time she doesn’t miss.


End file.
